That night eeh, I no sleep o. Person wey dem give this kain proposal no dey sleep na, I just dey awake, dey reason some kain things. Early mormor, my mama begin ask me where I keep the 50kpa, make she rush go landlord house go give am. Omo, na so I kwechiri, which yeye landlord be that?
Person wey knack kpako together, dey call am house. Na inside canal we dey shīt, to baf na another thing, make I no talk that one first. I know how many times my mama complain say dem dey peep am where she cover wrapper to baf. Na wetin make her begin baf only for night. E don tey wey the batcher dey pain me, I no dey even see face to use tell person where we dey live, except na person wey I feel say go help my destiny. I gats reason my mama to calm down first…
Matthew; you know wetin go happen eeh? I go carry this money go open account for you for bank, no be you kpai bros J, wey go make at this your age, you never get account for bank. Give me the landlord number, I go follow am yarn”
My mama; abobo, I no understand you o. I say I wan go settle landlord, make this shame comot for my face, you dey talk open account for bank. No be person wey get money dey open account for bank? Make I carry landlord money go put for bank say wetin happen?”
Matthew; maale, calm down. E get one job wey I get newly eeh, na Mama Uka friend run am for me, the job come with crib, better one o, no be batcher. Only you go get your own room like this, with toilet and bathroom, privacy go dey rush you, nobody go ever peep you for this life again, where you dey baf”
My mama; eeeh, you say wetin? I no hear you well. Wait first, make I sidon, be like my legs dey shake. You say na who get house wey I go get my own room?”
Matthew; you know that yesterday night wey my phone dey ring? Na the woman call me, na Mama Uka introduce me give am, she kon say I get talent wella, say she go give me better job for lekki, but I go need live around there, to make am easy, so the house na follow come. Car self involve for the whole package. Maale, your son go dey ride car for this Lagos”
My mama; abobo, pinch me. Pinch me first whether I still dey sleep. Na true you dey talk so abi you dey play with me?”
Matthew; play with you keh? I say our suffer don over like this. God don use me bring light into this family. My talent don pay finally, na to dey chop life dey go”
My mama; no, no, no. I never believe this one. See as my chest dey speed. I no wan get bp, abeg. Which talent you get wey I no know like this? No use me play o. Na me like this, Okafor pikin, go get room only me, go live for real house wey no be batcher. Something wey I never experience before. Na from mud house your papa bring me come out, to batcher. From one batcher to another. When I carry you for belle, the kain rain wey dey wipe me eeh, if sun come, e go land for my body, if rain come, the same thing. I been think say you go comot from my belle, but God no gree. Na you be the person wey kon wipe my tears, say I no go kpai for this poverty. Shebi if say your papa dey alive now, im for dey very proud of you. That man na better man, I swear, im too suffer for this life. I know say e don tey wey im kpai, but I still love am, I dey miss am badly”
Matthew; e don do, mama. You know say I no dey like to see you cry, abeg. If you start now, I go waka comot for here o. Just give me the landlord number, make I call am later. I go find wetin we need to take open account for you, I wan to dey dash you small, small money wey you go dey put for your account. See my new phone na, I go give you this one, immediately I get another one. You no go dey beg people for phone again, if you wan make call”…
As I still dey talk, my mama don lie down flat for ground dey thank and pray for me, me sef follow am lie down. Which kain thing be that, wey my maale go dey for ground just to thank me, wey be im pikin? I no gree o.
By 9 o’clock, my phone ring, na Mama Uka friend. I need to know this woman name, so that I no go dey call am Mama Uka friend again, e dey make me feel somehow …
The woman; Matthew, how you dey, You sleep well so?”
Matthew; I dey fine, ma.
The woman; straight to the point. How far wetin we talk last night, you dey do or you no dey do?”
Matthew; I don think am wella, I accept everything wey you talk, but I get small issue”
The woman; wetin be that?”
Matthew; I no go like dey live for fine house, make my mama dey live for this batcher. I go like make she follow me move into the new house, even my 2 younger brothers sef, just that dem no really be issue, na my mama dey my mind”
The woman; yes na, she fit move in with you. As long as no be girl wan follow you. I for even vex for you, if I later discover say you leave your mama for batcher. If na the only issue be that, send me your address, make I send driver to come pick you up”
Matthew; that one no dey necessary na, just tell me where I go meet you, make I blow bike come there. Driver fit loss for this hole wey I dey live”
The woman; hahaha! Matthew, you funny o. E be like say you no know who you dey follow talk. Na my sweetheart you be now, I no fit allow you enter bike again, and if wetin I hear about your gbola na true, you no suppose suffer for this life, na pamper I go dey pamper you. E get iphone 13 pro max wey I get, I never use am before, na wetin I go use welcome you when you reach here. I go dey the new house dey wait you. Oya, send address”…
After 3 hours, na so one fine, big benz land for front of our house. The car no fit the hood at all, people just come out dey look the car, some begin snap pictures in front of the car. Me just carry shoulders up like say na my papa get Lagos. I deck well with clothes and shoes wey Mama Uka buy for me. My neighbors just dey hail me as I enter the car. Mama Uka call me I dey road, say she wan see me, be like na daily knackis she wan dey collect, I tell her say my Mama send me somewhere, say I go call am when I finish.
The driver carry me go straight to the new house. If una see house eeh, bungalow wey fine pass duplex. My body dey shake as I enter the compound, I see the car wey she wan give me for corner, clean car wey dey shine. Driver wey carry me come, tell me say make I go inside, say the front door no lock. When I enter, I see the woman sidon for the parlor, she give me sign to lock the door. Inside the house fine dìe, be like house wey I dey see for film. How this woman go get mind give me this kain house? I stand dey turn neck like lizard as I dey look around, but the woman no get patience at all …
The woman; I know say this house go sweet your belle wella. Come this side, make we check out the masters, na your house be this from today. Everywhere dey furnished already, na to just carry your bags and move in. Later, you go begin look around. Na this gbola wey no let me sleep, I wan check out. Come ooo”…
Sharp sharp, I don see myself for the bedroom, wey be like James Bond hotel room for American film. She no even waste time to pull clothes, kon grab me, use her hands pull my own. No be like Mama Uka wey dey command me to pull, like say I be toy. This one gently handle everything, the way she even position my gbola for her mouth eeh, Mama Uka dey learn. She dey follow my body movement, if e be her like say I wan pour, she go slow down small, then start again. E get when she stop sef, kon dey turn my gbola round with her hand, dey look am like person wey just see something wey she no believe dey exist …
The woman; how many years you dey?”
Matthew; I dey 21 years, ma”
The woman; E be like say you no know wetin you carry so o. Na this thing wey I dey find since to spend better money on, this one carry heavy weight. The way I go spoil you eeh, I just hope you no disappoint me”
Matthew; I no go disappoint you, ma. The kain thing wey you wan do for me for this life, I no believe say I fit ever get this kain luck. Abeg, no vex, wetin be your name?”
The woman; my name na Patience, but you fit call me Peppe. Tomorrow, I go tell you about me, for now, make I enjoy this thing wey God use design you”…
She kon remove the remaining things wey cover her body. I forget to even talk how nice she dey smell, like ice-cream, be like make I begin chop am. As this woman pull kpata, I shock. Na so I dey look her kpomo with my eyes wide, the place too neat and smooth. Flesh no cover am and no marks dey am, how she take maintain am like this? E too fine. Na so I rush am, ozugbo. This one no need to go baf, like Mama Uka. The scent wey come out as I spread am eeh, like fresh pap wey dem put plenty milk. I go chow this kpomo like tomorrow no dey …
E remain small, I for ask am how she take maintain her kpomo, wey make am fresh. No bush dey am, the place smooth pass my forehead. The flesh wey gather the kpomo be like strong rubber wey dem never use for long. This woman na almost Mama Uka age na, how manage? Na the scent dey give me better joy. I settle myself for the centre, kon use hands separate the meat wey join, kon begin chow, side by side. If I chow one side small, I go move to the other side. By the time wey I don totori Peppe finish, I kon enter the main food. Una know that red abi na pinkish wey dey inside the kpomo? Ehen, na the main food be that. I gather am with my mouth eeh, everything enter my mouth, I kon dey bring am out small, small. If everything come out finish, I go gather am again.
By this time, Peppe don close eyes, use hands dey bless me for head, but she no dey push my head inside, like Mama Uka dey do. This one dey calm, dey do her thing. Her hands soft for my head sha, the thing give me ginger wella. E pass 30 minutes, I still dey chow kpomo, different angles. She no make any sound, na just body she dey shake. If the thing enter her head wella, she go jejely comot my head from there, then, lift the kpomo again, make I continue.
When I feel like say I don give am enough thank you for the house and car wey she gimme. I kon proceed to the main show, make I use am continue to dey thank her. This kain thing eeh, I no fit thank am reach. If she want my thank you, every second, I dey ready. I still be young boy, my gbola get plenty ororo, e never tap out, old age never near am. 21 years na better youngy na, fresh blood, sweet boy. Only gbola wey win house and car, wey dey make dem maale dey spend anyhow.
Her kpomo warm wella, as I enter inside. Na that moment Peppe shout small, she kon quickly use hand cover her mouth. I smile, she don dey feel am. She don see am, she don believe am. No be only big, e big, e sabi work too. I carry Peppe go Manfe, carry her come back. I do small for front, I drive go her back. My head wan blow, as I dey view the baka, omo. This woman dey spend better money on her body o. No single mark dey the baka, everywhere soft and smooth.
I kon balance my hands on top of the baka, begin drive my new bicycle. The movement finish work, she follow the rhythm, we dey meet each other halfway. If na Mama Uka, she go just dey like wood, only me go dey struggle for the thing, with flesh wey full everywhere. Make I chop finish first, I go still reason how to handle Mama Uka.
As we finish, we just dey there dey look ceiling. Man don dey, my eyes don dim, no be small work I do. As sleep wan carry me go, she say …
Peppe; this boy eeh, my sugar. Sweet heart, where you dey all these years? If say you don reach like 35 years, I for say make I marry you now, but you still small, e go affect my political career. I never see anyone wey sweet me as your own sweet me so. Thank God say my friend carry you come that party, if not, na me and my tõys go still dey suffer am for house”
Matthew; na God o. Na God do am, Peppe. Me sef no know wetin I do, to deserve this kain big gbola, na better blessing”
Peppe; yes o. Better blessing wey na me get now. I go make sure say nobody take you from me. You see as e easy to collect you from my friend so, I go shine my eyes wella. For this game, if you dull, dem go push you comot for road”…
My phone begin ring, I check am, e be Mama Uka dey call. I no know wetin I go tell am. That woman no do me bad, I go like dey give am small, small, even if na once in a while. Na she introduce me to this business, e no go good to just shun am like that …
Peppe; why you no wan answer your call? Who be that?”
Matthew; na Mama Uka. E don tey wey she dey call me, she say she wan see me, but I tell am say my mama send me message”
Peppe; good. You go call am back now, tell am say your mama brother wey dey abroad for many years don come back, e get house for Lekki. E wan help you get better work wey you go dey do, but im say you go follow am dey live for now. Oya, call am, put am for speaker”…
Chai, no be the plan be this o. I still wan dey arrange Mama Uka. Even if I go leave am, no be like this na. Make I still give am gbola, back to back, do better send off knackis with am, before I bounce. I gats play smart, Peppe na the bank gan gan. Make I no use local spoil international. I kon dial Mama Uka number…
Mama Uka; Hello, nna. Why you dey do me like this? Come show me love na, you never finish wetin your mama send you?”
Matthew; no vex, abeg. I never still finish o. Na my mama brother come back from yankee, say he go help me get better work, make I fit dey help my mama, na here I dey so”
Mama Uka; so your mama get brother wey dey abroad, Matthew? Hmm, ok ooo. When you dey come back? Night don dey reach o”
Matthew; I never know”
Mama Uka; na which area be that?”
Matthew; Lekki”
Mama Uka; Lekki keh? E far o. That means we fit no see today be that. Before you reach here, 10 o clock fit don knack”
Matthew; I know. No vex, abeg. I no know say e go be like this today”
Mama Uka; no be your fault na. E still dey shock me say your mama get brother wey dey abroad sha, but no wahala. Let me know whenever you reach house. We go see tomorrow, you hear?”
Matthew; okay. I go call you. Bye bye”…
As I end the call, Peppe collect the phone from my hand…
Peppe; this my friend sef. See the kpalasa phone wey she buy for you. She go carry wetin she no fit maintain, this your gbola wey be high maintenance. I hear you say you go call am when you reach house, story. You go comot here by 8pm, my driver go carry you go house. When you reach house, just pack your bags, tell your mama to pack her own join. Tomorrow morning, the driver go dey una house by 11am, to carry una come here. Your legs no go smell that area again, once you comot. My friend no go see you again. No try me o, I no dey use my things dey play. As na me get you so, na red eyes I go use dey protect you. Anything wey you want for this life, I go do for you, make you just dey respect me and do everything wey I talk, as I take talk am. You hear me so?”
Matthew; I hear you wella. You no get problem for that side at all, I be obedient boy. Shey you no go like meet my mama? And how we go dey take meet, if my mama come here?”
Peppe; No worry yourself. E get where we go dey meet steady. This na just say I wan welcome you to the new house, after today, we no go do anything here again. I go meet your mama, but e get the way we go take run am, make she no suspect anything. Ehen, help me bring my hand bag, make I give you the iphone 13 pro max”…
I stand up to go bring am. Una know say I no weàr anything, naim Peppe begin hail me…
Peppe; My sugar, this thing no dey heavy you? E remain small, e for reach your knees o. See as the thing fat, kon long. You carry wetin big pass you. I dey look you like this, I dey so proud of myself, see food wey I go dey chop from today”…
I just dey smile like isi azu. Na only God know if my brothers own dey like this or na only me carry am for my family. Peppe bring out iphone wey still dey the carton, kon give me. Bigger boy life don start like this o. Inside one week, I don get 2 phones, get new clothes, get house, get car, all because of this my gbola. Okpe ooo. Na so I just dey thank Peppe, my body never believe wetin dey happen, be like na dream wey I go still wake up…
Peppe; e don do. No worry yourself, this one na small. As long as you dey respect me, I go spoil you for this life. Every month, I go dey put 500kpa for your account, make you dey use hold body. Na your monthly allowance be that. Give me the number”
Matthew; ma, wait first. Wait, abeg. I wan kolo. I no hear wetin you talk well. Shey na 50kpa you talk, abi I no hear you well?”
Peppe; hahahah. My sugar, you funny o. I don tell you make you no dey call me ma. Wetin be 50kpa? I say 500kpa. Why you dey do like say you no deserve am? You over worth am o. This thing wey you carry so, dem no dey sell am for market o. Out of 100 men, na only one get am like this. Give me number jare, make I land you gbagam for your account now”
Matthew; I no get o. I never open account before. Na poor boy I be. Na you wan comot me from poverty so”
Peppe; no worries. I go call my person for bank, make she open account for you. By tomorrow, e go dey ready, then I go sama you the mula for there, you hear?”
I nod like lizard, I no fit talk again…
Peppe; oya kon gimme more sugar again, before you begin go house. Everything wey you do before, make you do am again, you carry me go where I no know, but I like am kpai”…
By the time I serve am second round finish, driver carry me go house. I just dey touch my pocket, dey feel the house keys. She gimme the car key too, but I leave that one for the house. By next week, I go settle down find where I go learn how to drive. As for Mama Uka, I no go leave am empty handed, I must find how to give am send off knackis, whether na for midnight or early mormor, before the driver come. I no fit leave that woman like that, I no fit. She go collect final round …
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