My name na Matthew Ekwunife, but my street name na touch something. Na wetin my guys dey hail me, whenever I land fine girl for free. I come from poor background, my family no get shishi, we no get house for villa, na for my uncle house all man dey squat whenever we go villa. No be say we dey even go steady, transport money wey be like house rent now. E don pass 10 years wey I see my village.
I be 3rd born, I get 2 elder sisters and 2 younger brothers. My mama first born don kpai, when she dey try comot belle for man, she dey secondary school that time. As we no get money na, the matter just quench like that, na so the doctor go free, man wey give am belle sef go free. The one wey follow am dey live with one man for batcher, inside Ajah. She born 4 children for am, na 23 years she dey, and dem never marry. None of us don see the man before, na for phone she dey tell my mama, she run comot for house when she dey 18 years. The man dey drive keke. My youngest brother dey do boi boi for person, the one before am, dey do mechanic.
Now, to me. I no finish secondary school, just like my younger brothers. I begin do small, small jobs to take hold body for batcher wey we sef dey live inside Yaba, for Lagos. I first do conductor, but yoruba people dey chance me wella, I kon comot go work for one mama Uka joint wey near my area. I dey clean the shop and wash plates, she dey pay me 1kpa, everyday. Na for there I work for 1 year, before matter kon change.
Mama Uka say she no want make I work for her again, her shop don cast, customers no dey too come like before. I kon beg am say I no know where I go start from, that 1kpa wey she dey give me everyday, dey help my life, plus the free food wey join am, every morning and evening. I dey trek dey go work and trek go house. The 1kpa dey tanda for my pocket, untouched. I dey save the money, make I use am buy better clothes and shoes put for body first, before anything. I know say my mama don dey already complain say Landlord dey disturb her for house rent, na 50kpa we dey pay every year. But I no dey reason that one at all, make she hustle wella for her akara business, take raise the money, my brother wey dey do mechanic sef go contribute, that one dey see raba pass me, though, na for person him still dey work for.
As I beg mama Uka tire, dey follow am up and down for the shop, she dey shout for me to comot, but I no gree, I dey beg am make she no sack me, I no wan go back to conductor job. She kon ask me how many years I dey. Shuo, I been don tell am when I start work, why she kon dey ask again? I tell am say I dey 21 years. She kon ask me one question wey all dis ogwu ego people dey ask, before dem initiate person into their cult…
Mama Uka; I go help you, Matthew, but shey you go fit do anything wey I tell you to do? Anything at all. I no trust small, small boys like you. Una mouths too dey run like tap wey dey leak”
Matthew; aaah! No be me o. Since last year wey I don dey work for you, shey you don hear anything wey dem say na Matthew talk? I dey keep things to myself o, na why I thin like this, no be say na only hunger dey do me. I swear, mama, I go do anything wey you tell me to do, as long as say I go dey see small raba take dey hold body. I no wan go begin dey stay for house or dey roam the streets, make I no join bad people, abeg”
Mama Uka; mmm, e don do, make I hear word, jare. See as your mouth dey sweet like sugar now, when time reach, you fit disappoint person”
Matthew; No ma, I no go f up, na me dey assure you like this. At least, I don work for you, e no plenty wey you shout for me, I dey put in my best for where food dey come out for me, abeg”
Mama Uka; you get girlfriend?”
Matthew; girlfriend keh? For which money? I no get o. Maale, shey you want make girl open office for my head ontop my 1kpa salary wey you dey drop for me everyday? Na when I blow, I go run girls, for now, I no get”
Mama Uka; I hear you, see your mouth. So you mean say you no dey collect something? You still be fagin abi na wetin?”…
As I no know where all the talk dey go, I kukuma say make I talk true, I no gain anything if I lie..
Matthew; no na, no be so. Say I no get babe no mean say I no dey collect na. I still dey get some chinchin babes for my area wey dey show me small love, sometimes”
Mama Uka; wetin be the small love? Call the thing name, no dey do like small pikin”
Matthew; aah, ma. I dey respect you o, I no fit dey talk some kain things for your face na, you fit be my mama like this”
Mama Uka; shey na insult or wetin kon be this one? Oya, comot for my shop. I resemble your mama? Because I get big body, you kon think say I don old?”
Matthew; this my mouth no go put me for trouble o. No vex for me, ma. If I hear say you old, sharp figure like you. I dey very sorry, abeg”
Mama Uka; e don do. Shey you know Meta hotel wey dey for T junction?”
Matthew; Yes, ma. I know there, that junction wey okada people dey stay, opposite am”
Mama Uka; ehen, na there. Come meet me there by 8 O’clock in the night, tell the receptionist say you dey go for room 206. If you reach, knock 3 times for the door, I go open. No let another ear hear this thing wey I tell you. If you like, make you let your mouth run like tap, na you go still lose. Take this 1kpa for transport, I no wan hear say na money for okada you no get, wey make you dey trek”…
I collect the money from her, kon dey go house. As I dey waka, I dey reason am. Wetin Mama Uka dey invite me for hotel for? Make e no be wetin I think o. This woman do old, forget say she dey form sweet 16. Orobo woman wey fit senior my mama sef. I no be small pikin again, dem no dey call me Touch Something for nothing, na since 13 years I begin dey run am, so I know whatsup. My sister friends that year, dey give me chest wella, I dey use hand do the work, then use móuth seal am. Na when I reach 16 years my gbola go first match.
Make e sha no be wetin I think o. I no fit carry Mama Uka at all. Okay na, 8 go soon knack…
I comot for house before 8 o clock, so that I go fit use leg reach there on time, I no wan use okada go anywhere, those people too dey charge person, this my leg na correct benzo. I don settle my mind for wetin wan happen, I no be small pikin. If Mama Uka wan make I climb am, I go climb am, as far as money go come out, she no kuku get husband again, make e no be like say na another man mountain I dey climb. Me like this no go like make another man climb my mountain, by the time I marry. That one no good at all.
As I reach the hotel, the receptionist direct me where room 206 dey, I check my kpalasa tecno phone wey I use rubber tie, na 10 minutes to 8 dey knack, I do well. I know say the girl wey dey reception go dey wonder wetin make small boy like me dey find woman wey senior my mama, for this kain place. The way she take eye me sef, be like no be today she don dey see this kain thing. She sound like person wey body dey pepper, like say na me send am work. The hotel no even make sense, be like wetin dem abandon, dey smell cigar, cigar and piss, some parts of the chair wey dey reception don tear finish. Make I no talk sha, we no get chair for our house, if na this tear, tear type we get, I go dey do big boy.
As I waka reach room 206, I first pray inside my mind, before I knock 3 times, like Mama Uka tell me. E no reach 1 minute, naim she open the door, kon gimme sign to enter, she no even lemme sidon, na as I close the door she start, straight to the matter …
Matthew; good evening, ma”
Mama Uka; ehen, Matthew. Oya, pull your trouser make I check something, fast, fast”
Matthew; you say?”
Mama Uka; I say pull jean comot for body, make I see wetin you carry, I no wan make you waste my time. Abi I carry water for mouth dey talk ni?”…
Omo, I no understand this one o. We suppose arrange ourselves first, before main match go start, she no say make she buy water for me to drink, or ask me if I wan drink minerals. One mind tell me say make I jakpa, as door still dey my back, she no go fit force me na, another mind reason how I go dey waka up and down for hood, dey find another work, I kon bone, begin pull jean. The way she take shout, as she see my gbola, make me shy. I know say I carry am right from time, no be today …
Mama Uka; chineke meee! This boy, na only you carry this kain thing dey waka everywhere? Abi another person own join your own? This one too big o, I never see this type before, and e never stand, naim e be like this, what if e kon stand nko?”
I kon begin shy, dey mix am with small smile, e even be like say my ears enlarge, as she dey praise my machine …
Matthew; na God, ma. Na God do am”
Mama Uka; you see as this thing dey now eeh, you go help me position am wella, make I put am for mouth, I wan see the full size when e don strong. Chim o, this one large gan. 21 years boy, carry this kain thing, by the time you enter 25, dem go do special boxers for you o”
She still carry yarns for mouth, when she begin push me go near bed, by then, I don comot legs for jean, kpatakpata …
Matthew; excuse me, I never do this type before”
Mama Uka; which type?”
Matthew; person never put my gbola for mouth before. I never experience am”
Mama Uka; shey na that play wey you dey play with small girls? Na now you go chop the main food. Better meat wey don done, wey get better experience, wey full well, well, with plenty ears for different corners. No worry yourself, just lie down for here, the thing go sweet you wella, na me dey tell you. By the time I finish with you today eeh, you no go near those chewing gum girls again. You no know say wetin you carry na raw gold, na wetin women dey find for street be this. I no believe say you work for me for a whole 1 year, I no suspect this big machine” …
As she talk finish, she use hand wrap am like say na big microphone 🎤 she hold, then she balance wella, kon put am for mouth. The kain shout wey I shout eeh, omo, the thing sweet me enter brain. Wetin be this? Choiii! Mama Uka na guru o. I say, nobody don lick ice-cream the way she dey lick this thing. E kon be like she wan use mouth drag the akamu out from that thing wey dey open on top the crown. Walahi, if this woman no kpai me today, I no fit kpai again.
She do am sote, I lose control, kon blast enter her mouth. Me wey dey hard before I blast. Last time wey I carry Chidimma enter one uncompleted building, she push me comot 2 times, because I no blast on time, and she don tire to stand, but last last, she still allow me finish, she say my gbola dey help her dey fit, na why she dey allow me steady. Now, I dey wonder wetin happen, maybe na because Mama Uka use mouth, e no be the same feeling with kpomo. I just dey pray for my mind, make Mama Uka no vex for me. Na so I lift head small, see as she dey smile, I kon relax my mind.
She enter bathroom go throw way spit, me go pick my jean for ground to wear am, Mama Uka change am for me o …
Mama Uka; wetin you wan do? You well so? Abi you think say I bring you come here just to do this one? Ogbeni, pull that thing, jor. Infact, pull everything wey you wear, come here”
I no talk anything, I just pull everything as she take tell me, as my shirt touch ground, Mama Uka don pull her own comot for her body, as I look am, e be me like say make I vomit. This woman don old finish o, see as everywhere fold, her belle cover the kpomo, I no even see anything. Her chest long cover her utubo (bellybutton). E get some kain marks wey full the body, different colors, some dey red, some dey brown, I no fit explain am sef. Where I wan start for here? Chai, make my gbola sha answer me o, because this thing wey I see so, fit send the thing to permanent sleep. As I dey reason how I go take use hands lift the belle comot one side, make I for take see the kpomo, Mama Uka kon talk wetin make my body to maaa jijiji …
Mama Uka; oya, come this side. Shebi you see as I take use my mouth chow your gbola so eeh, na so you sef go use take mouth chow this meat wey you dey see so. Make you no bite me o, because this one wey you open eyes like this, show say you never do am before. You go dey lick am, like say na soup wey sweet, you dey lick. All the koro, use mouth drag am, as you dey drag all those small, small girls nipppuuu. I go direct you wetin you go dey do. Come this side”
Matthew; you say? …
Mama Uka; I say make you come this side”
She point the area where she wan make I stay, as she relax, use 2 hands carry her belle, kon put one leg for east, the other one for west. Which kain wahala I land myself so? …
I don realize say no escape for this thing wey she want make I do. I kon go the place wey she say make I stay, she begin give me instructions, where I go put my head and mouth and wetin I go use tongue do, all the corners wey I go wash. Omo, as I carry face near there eeh, I almost vomit 🤮 The kain smell wey dey comot from there, be like all the food dotty wey dey inside dustin for 2 days, na that kain smell. The thing hook me sha, cough wey I no know where
e from, begin worry me. I cough sote, small tears comot from my eyes.
She just dey there like that, dey wait for me to finish my cough. Immediately she see say the cough don stop, she start again, dey change am for me to come chop the kpomo, say time no dey, say I go still climb am after I chop finish. I reason the help wey she go help me, if I play well, e sha better make I suffer this thing now and dey alright after, than go back to those yoruba boys, say I dey do conductor, make dem use me do yeye.
I hold my breath, near the kpomo again, kon dey slowly take my head down, na then I look the thing wella, e just dey black like say na 2 lizards 🦎 wey face each other. Mama Uka use one hand separate them, and e long wella, no be only that one sef, the place dey sweat eeh, that kain dotty sweat, wey be say if you use tissue clean, e go turn black. I still dey swear for poverty for my head, dey reason where I go start from, na so she push my head enter the thing, I wan kpai. Thank God say my mouth close, if not eeh, I for swallow wetin I no know.
Na my nose and one part of my eyes the thing rub, my face kon dey smell like the kpomo. Wetin this woman wan do for me sef, wey go make me suffer like this? I no do abeg, if she wan make I chow this kpomo, we go discuss am wella, she go pay me, or tell me wetin she go give me …
Matthew; Ma, I no fit do this one o. E pass me, make I no lie. I no fit carry this thing put for mouth. No be say you don tell me wetin you go do for me or how much you go pay me. I fit do all these things finish, you go still carry 1 or 2kpa give me, no o. I no fit disfagin my mouth for that small change”
As I talk am finish, I waka go where my clothes dey, pick my jean and begin wear am …
Mama Uka; wetin be this one wey you dey talk so? When I dey lick your kini, why you no stop me? You keep head like one agama lizard, dey nod, e dey sweet you. Ogbeni, come do something, jare. No let me vex for you o. The big thing wey I plan for you na wetin nobody fit do for you for this life, I go change your life. Shebi you know say I get money? Say one of my restaurants no dey do well again for now, no mean say the other ones no dey do well. I get for magodo, ikeja and orile, plus my other businesses. If you do well this night, you don pass your interview, I go change your life”
Matthew; If na like that, then you need drop something first, make the thing ginger me to work well for you, anything wey you wan make I do, naim I go do. You sef see am say I carry gbola follow body, the type wey you never see before. I fit dey your body like this eeh, 30 minutes I still dey go, forget say I quick land as I dey your mouth, that one na my first time, na wetin cause am”
Mama Uka; oya, how much you want make I drop?”
Matthew; drop 5kpa, make I use am ginger myself. I never put kpomo for this my mouth before, na you go be the first person”
Mama Uka; and na me go be the first and only person. I go give you 10kpa. We go play wella. You no go do am with another person, except me, anything wey you want, I go give you. As you talk say you dey reach 30 minutes, my body just dey shake, I wan make you prove am to me this night, after you chow my kpomo finish” …
She carry her orobo self go reach her handbag, bring plenty money, then count 10kpa inside and give me. My belle begin sing as the mula land for my hand. That na my 10 days salary, just like that. When I mention the 5kpa, I dey fear somehow say she no go gree o, this one shock me sha. I put the mula for my pocket …
Matthew; make I do you wetin you go like wella. No talk anything, I go treat you special now, like gallant queen wey you be. This raba wey you give me eeh, e don give me better ginger. Come, make I carry you go shower, pamper you wella, after that, I go chow your kpomo anyhow you want am, then give you better knackis as fresh blood wey I be.
Wetin I talk sweet her, as she smile, kon follow me enter bathroom. She no know say na the kpomo I wan use my hand wash, make e dey presentable for my mouth, before I chop wetin I no know, all because of money. The kain washing wey I wash Mama Uka eeh, I no sure say she don ever baf like that before for her life. No be small work sha, I lift chest comot for road, use hand wash am as I want am, I do am jejely. The thing just dey sweet her, she no suspect say na because she dotty everywhere, make me carry am enter shower.
As we comot, I kon get confidence eat the kpomo, I follow all her instructions, still add jara to am, as guy man wey I be. The place soft for mouth, like that side for ear where dem dey put ear rings. Me sef enjoy am, especially as she dey shout like small pikin, I think say the receptionist go knock for door sef, say make she reduce voice. Nothing wey this woman no promise me, she even mention motor join. Abi na when I finally plug gbola inside, she dey shake like say she wan faint.
I do o, sote, she begin beg me say make I land, say I wan kpai her. No type wey I no give am. Na the first time wey I bring out my mind take do am. 10kpa no be small money na, those girls for area no dey give me money, na me go beg tire sef, before dem let me. Their own fresh and sweet pass Mama Uka own sha, make I no lie, na only the money make am sweet me kpa …
To be continued!
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